Ask Amy: Addressing unresolved issues with adult stepchildren

Dear Amy: I’m a woman in my 70′s. My (slightly older) partner “James” and I are both retired university professors who met after our respective spouses died.

We’ve been together for almost seven years and have made each other happy, which is a great blessing.

James has three children, the eldest of whom is a daughter. She has made it clear that she doesn’t like me in her dad’s life.

She either ignores me completely when the entire family gets together, or she makes snarky and unkind remarks to me.

At Thanksgiving at her house, she completely ignored both her father and me.

Somehow that did it for me, and I told James that I’d had enough and I wasn’t going back — but that I would never stand between him and his family.

He decided that he, too. was unhappy with her behavior and said he’d rather be with me than put up with her.

I reached out to the daughter and said it would be nice if we could just get together to talk and clear the air. I have had no response from her.

It would be easy to ignore all this, but I am afraid that she will now blame me for alienating her dad from the family, and the situation could potentially get worse.

I believe that these things can be discussed rationally, but without her willingness to respond to my outreach, I don’t know what else to do.

I would appreciate your thoughts.

– Struggling

Dear Struggling: You’ve made a rational and proportional choice – to stay away from this particular daughter.

Your partner’s choice is more complicated, in part because he has other children.

If you both stay away from all family gatherings, then his eldest would succeed in alienating this father from all of his children, and yes – you would be blamed.

It is sophisticated, but somewhat lopsided, for you to reach out to this daughter, offering to talk this through.

Where is her father? This rude daughter, who is looking for reasons not to like you, might take your choice to contact her (instead of her father doing so) as evidence that you are controlling him. This, of course, is the opposite of your intention.

I think it is vital that “James” – and you – continue with fulsome relationships with his two other children. He – not you – should contact this daughter and describe his concern and bewilderment over her behavior. (For instance, “Why do you ignore me? This hurts my feelings and worries me.”)

He should tell her that he loves her, that he wants to have a positive relationship with her, and invite her to communicate openly and honestly. He should also state that you and he are happy, and that you are good to – and for – one another.

(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)