Dear Annie: My only sister, “Donna,” and her husband, “Otis,” moved out of state, leaving me as the sole caregiver to our 97-year-old father. Their adult daughter “Leah” did not move with them and stayed here locally not far from my father.
My father lives near me and rents a small home in a senior community, which he enjoys, but has kept his old, empty, rundown home nearby. Although his empty home needs repair, it is in a very affluent area.
Donna and Otis asked my father if they could repair his rundown home so Leah could move in. They never mentioned how much Leah would pay per month to live in it -- or if she would pay anything at all -- and said a rental agreement wasn’t necessary because she is family.
My father initially said he would consider it, but I had a bad feeling about the whole idea. If my father were to fix it up, he should rent it out to help himself financially, as his monthly nut is tight. I never spoke to Donna about my concerns because it was our father’s decision, but I did tell my father to be careful and voiced my concerns to him.
Otis said he could come out, stay in the house and give it the needed facelift, but first, my father had to fork over tens of thousands of dollars upfront. Otis, by the way, is not a contractor nor seems very skilled at home repairs. Otis also refused to give my father any itemized accounting of where any of the money would go.
Without getting a 100% go ahead from my father, Otis came out and began demolishing the kitchen and bathroom fixtures and tossing my father’s personal items out without his permission. In the end, my father was very upset and decided to not have them do any work at all on the home.
Since then, Donna barely talks to our father. Although they come back every few months to see Leah and visit other relatives, staying for a few weeks at a time, they barely see my father once a year and only for an hour or two. They don’t contact me at all, never ever inquire about my father’s well-being or if I need any help with him when they are here. I personally haven’t heard from Donna, Otis or Leah since the whole house shenanigans occurred in 2021.
I have continued to send birthday cards, holiday texts and emails to all of them because I wanted to do the right thing on my end. My question is, should I just stop trying to reach out to my sister and niece and just write them off? -- Reach Out or Write Off
Dear Reach Out or Write Off: Relationships, with family or otherwise, are a two-way street. Your sister, brother-in-law and niece have had more than enough opportunities to return your warm gestures and have either failed or purposely chosen not to do so. I hope they have a change of heart in the future -- but for now, I advise that you save your efforts for those who actually deserve and reciprocate your love.
The fact that you have persisted to maintain some semblance of a relationship with your family despite their silence and drama of the past is a testament to your kindness. Your father is extremely lucky to have a daughter like you, who keeps his best interest in mind, in his corner.
Stories by Annie Lane
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