Miss Manners: The burden of being a go-to reference for old colleagues

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Five years ago, I left a company where I was a supervisor for several years. I still receive calls (actually, text messages) from former employees every once in a while, requesting letters of recommendation or asking if they can put me down as a reference for a job they are applying for.

Usually, I say yes, as I know it can be difficult finding a job and wanting to move on to a better position. Last year, I ran into a co-worker from my old company at a meeting we were attending. She asked if I could be a reference for her. I said yes. Earlier this year, I got another text from her, again asking if I could be a reference for her, as she is applying at a different company. I said yes again, though no one ever called me.

Now, six months later, I have received another texted request from her as she is once again applying for a position at a different company. I spoke to the HR person at the company and gave her a good reference.

Two days later, I received a call from another company that she didn’t tell me about. After texting her about this, she informed me that she had applied to two other companies and put me down as a reference each time.

Other than the one time I saw her last year, I have not had any contact with this person for at least eight years. Being asked to be her reference has begun to really bother me. I know nothing about her current work ethic or performance. More important, I am tired of being her go-to reference person. I think the grown-up thing to do would be to say, “I will provide you with a reference for the last two companies, but no more” -- and then to block her number. Am I being inconsiderate?

GENTLE READER: No reasonable person would call you inconsiderate for withdrawing after giving her six references.

Keep this in mind, because we need to work on your tone -- if only in hope that you will get appreciation for the favors already bestowed, instead of recrimination for how it ended. Suppress your natural frustration in favor of a plain message: You were happy to be her advocate for these several years, but it has now been too long since you worked together; she needs to find a new reference.

Miss Manners is under no illusion that she will accept this the first time it is said. But she intends for you to repeat it as often as necessary -- and with as little variation as possible. You do not need to say that a reference who is annoyed with you is no reference at all. She will eventually figure that out on her own.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

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