Ask Amy: Approaching sensitivity when inquiring about a stranger’s burial

Dear Amy: Last year, I witnessed a tragic hit-and-run incident involving a car and a pedestrian. The pedestrian did not survive, and the incident deeply affected me.

After learning the victim’s name through local press coverage, I engaged in a brief email exchange with the organizer of an online fundraiser for the person’s survivors. I’ve never met the deceased, but I’ve been seeking a deeper sense of closure and feel that paying my respects at their resting place would be meaningful. Unfortunately, I haven’t been able to locate this information.

Considering the sensitivity of the matter and my limited connection to the victim, I wonder if it would be appropriate for me, a stranger, to ask the friend of the deceased who organized the fundraiser about the burial location.

I am committed to approaching this with utmost respect for the feelings and privacy of those close to the victim.

What is your advice?

– Mourning a Stranger

Dear Mourning: I can imagine the deep sadness and lingering confusion you might feel after witnessing this crime. I also appreciate your concern and your stated desire to be sensitive toward the survivors.

As someone who has experienced the sudden, violent and traumatic loss of a family member, I would vote “no” on any stranger seeking out the gravesite, even someone with your compassionate and respectful intent.

However, there is no universal response to loss, and this victim’s family might feel and respond differently.

Reach out to the person who organized the fundraiser, and prepare yourself to accept whatever answer comes your way.

I strongly urge you to see a counselor specializing in trauma in order to continue to process the longer-term effect of witnessing this terrible event.

(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)