Ask Amy: Concerns rise over strict custody clothing arrangement

Dear Amy: I have an 18-year-old grandson, a senior in high school, who divides his time living with each of his parents half-time.

He and I were out shopping at Christmastime, and it seemed that he was in need of clothes.

He was very happy to find some clothes that fit and looked good on him, which he appreciated.

His father established that the clothes that came from one parent needed to stay with that parent.

This applied to his new clothes too. He was not allowed to take these clothes to his father’s house unless they were intended to stay at his father’s house and was not allowed to enjoy them at his mother’s house.

I wanted him to feel good about himself and agreed to purchase extra clothes so he could have new clothes at both houses.

I guess I am writing because I think that this arrangement is very detrimental to any child/teenager caught between two households.

Next year he will be going away to college.

Legally, I think, he can decide at a certain age as to where he would like to live.

I don’t think he is strong enough to choose one parent over the other.

I am just sorry he is in this situation.

Going forward, I am wondering how he will keep track of which clothes came from which house.

Do you have any thoughts or suggestions?

— Concerned Grandparent

Dear Concerned: Keeping track of clothing is a common problem with divorced parents who share custody. Some parents have the frustrating experience of their kids’ clothes and shoes disappearing into a black hole while at the other parent’s home. Savvy parents label clothing and help their children to organize and account for their clothing when moving to the other home.

This sounds exhausting and frustrating for everyone — but especially for the child, who ultimately carries this physical and emotional burden back and forth from house to house.

You were kind and thoughtful to get two sets of clothes for him.

Insisting on this strict clothing split with an older teen seems needlessly controlling, and almost impossible to strictly maintain.

At 18, your grandson is legally an adult and I assume he could “graduate” from this arrangement if he chose to (his parents’ legal custody agreement must be followed). Regardless, it might be best for him to stick it out until he graduates from high school.

I hope he chooses to go away for college, where he will learn a new set of life skills, without the need to organize his life in this way and shuttle between two sets of parents.

(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)