Ask Amy: Dealing with discomfort when friends critique the church

Dear Amy: I am a retired Catholic priest. For the most part, I have enjoyed these late-life years, especially as the pace of life has eased up.

However, one difficulty I’ve encountered stems from my years in active ministry.

During one of my assignments, I got to know a number of families associated with my ministry. I have remained in contact with several of these families and have been invited to celebrate baptisms, marriages, and funerals.

In recent years, two couples have invited me on a regular basis to have dinner with them. While I initially enjoyed these, a problem has emerged that involves one couple in particular.

This couple decided to stop attending church services. I felt this was their decision to make and have never criticized or judged them for it.

However, invariably during our evenings together they steer the conversation to their gripes about the Catholic Church.

I’ve gone so far as to meet privately with them, letting them know how uncomfortable I am with their behavior during something I consider an informal gathering of friends. All to no avail.

I usually end up leaving these dinners feeling angry and depressed.

These folks have been great friends for many years, but I’m at my wits end trying to figure out how best to deal with the situation. Should I just give up and decline future invitations?

– Father Confused

Dear Father Confused: I can only imagine the pressure you might feel to always respond to uncomfortable situations in a way that basically protects others.

Because you have retired from the formal part of ministry, it might not be necessary for you to be so discreet about your concerns when something bothers you.

My point is that although you will always be a priest, you absolutely have the human right to react publicly to topics, behavior or comments that bother or offend you.

If this happens again at a social occasion, you can say a version of, “Naturally, this is a very difficult topic for me, but I realize that my presence seems to trigger a discussion about the failings of the institution I’ve devoted my life to. I’ve mentioned this privately but I understand now that bringing it up is just too tempting to avoid, so I’ll take this as my cue to say goodnight.”

This is also an issue you might raise with your own pastoral counselor.

(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)