Ask Amy: Overcoming emotional abuse with courage and support

Dear Amy: On Sunday, I realized clearly that my husband was emotionally abusive to me.

The next day in your column (I read you in the Los Angeles Times), you shared an “update” from “Drained and Wondering,” as well as the Domestic Violence hotline number. My mom shared this with me and I called the number and spoke with a counselor.

Now I finally understand why I didn’t divorce him long ago, as many had encouraged. I am 50 years old, married for nearly 10 years, educated, financially secure, loved by friends and family, but they didn’t understand and I didn’t understand until now.

I considered breaking up with him throughout our relationship but didn’t know what was holding me back. I went to at least four counselors and none of them suggested that I was being abused.

He was often sweet, cheerful, and kind to my elderly parents. But he never got a job or a driver’s license, and he is a binge drinker.

For the first time I am grateful that we weren’t able to have children.

On Sunday when my eyes were finally opened, he spent hours intimidating and interrogating me.

He was yelling, playing loud music in my ear, giving ultimatums, making vulgar false and jealous accusations, and blocking the doorway when I tried to leave.

He threatened to go live on the streets, trying to manipulate my kind heart to focus on him and take care of him at any price to myself.

Like the person who wrote to you, I called a friend when I snuck out of the house.

Your column was like a God wink.

I didn’t think. I just called The Hotline.

The counselor gave me lots of information and asked me questions that helped me better understand the situation.

There are things for me to watch out for now, like his recent new jealousy, potential stalking, and triangulating me and my parents.

I still have work to do to get him out of my life.

I am so grateful for your column and information. Thank you, thank you!

– M

Dear M: This “update” was inspiring, and so is yours!

I hope you will continue on your path, understanding that you still need help to stay safe as you leave this marriage.

Any person involved in an abusive or violent relationship can contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline for help. Go to Thehotline.org (or call 800-799-7233) for helpful information regarding the nature of abusive relationships, as well as resources, ways to protect yourself and how to safely exit. Available 24/7.

(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)